Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The Great Paradox

My life right now continues to amaze me. It still feels far from normal, even after doing things like getting my hair cut today and all of the other usual activities life requires.

Years ago I worked with this awesome woman whose husband was earning his 2nd doctorate at the University of Wisconsin in Milwaukee. She used to joke that he was a paradox (pair-a-docs). At the time I laughed-and then I went to look up what the word meant. :).

I know now. The paradox in my life right now is profound.

I am surrounded by the world's most wonderful people; my children, mother, brother, sister, extended family and my dear, dear friends- the extent of their concern and love humbles me. Today I had coffee with Sandy and discovered that a group of my friends had left me a landscaping certificate hidden on the porch, and I didnt even know about it was there!  I was humbled. Glenn and I always planted things in memory of loved ones.

Another friend who bantered with G about the color of our famous adirondack chairs last summer(probably 25 Facebook exchanges-minimum) painted a chair the fuchsia pink she always vied for, in his honor today. Again, so humbling. He would have laughed so hard and been so happy.

I had a "moment" this afternoon of profound grief, but I knew I didn't have to go home alone. I could go to Sally and Jim's until it passed. Amazing.

Everywhere I turn, people are reaching out. And I am so blessed.

 I had one of my "disbelief" days today; where I played and replayed every moment of that last day, and how I could  have possibly changed the outcome. Logically I know that I couldn't, but I am exhausted by his absence. This new path is freaking hard work.

And at the same time, I felt so loved and so lucky and  so happy. For having had Glenn, and for Boo:), and for ALL of the dear people in my life, both family and friends. Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

Such a paradox.