And yet flexible as I see myself, I realized tonight, (after verbally puking my grief and guts out in a friend's lap ), that I've really had a very orderly life.
And I'm not coping well with that. Any minor change in plan from what I expect to happen, throws me for a loop. Going with the flow? Pretty hard.
Everything in my life has happened in order. I went to college, graduated, got married, got a job and had two children. And even though that marriage ended sadly in divorce, the order of my life continued. I got remarried at 39 and carried on, building a new career on the way.
My children did things in order too...nobody made me a grandma before I was a mother-in-law. There is nothing wrong with that, but what I am expressing is that there were no surprises along the way. Everybody followed the order rule. College, job, marriage, house, children .
Even my dad's death was orderly. He fell on a Monday, and died peacefully the next Sunday at the age of 87.
Three weeks ago at about this moment, that order ended. Abruptly. A ninja came in and ripped apart my orderly life with a samurai sword. Glenn was not supposed to die that night, not yet, and not so violently. It wasn't in the order of my life. I was supposed to retire early, we would go somewhere warm for a bit in the winter; we had even been looking at renting an RV for a road trip. Maybe when I was 70 and he was 82... maybe then the order would have been more palatable.
Not yet. Not now.
It's out of order.