Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Pin Pricks of Light

When I was a child, we used to poke a hole in a piece of cardboard so that we didn't burn our retinas when watching an eclipse of the sun. The shadow would pass over the cardboard so that we could see the eclipse without staring directly into it. 
That is how I feel right now. Yesterday afternoon I left for my first trip, with no one waiting for me at home. I came to my daughter and son-in-law's house to babysit and help pack for the move to their first home later in the week. The trip was kicked off by Henry's T-ball game. (I just have to say that you have to be a grandparent to truly enjoy T-ball.:).  Lots of laughs...ice cream...both my children, spouses, grandkids...little specks of joy, although Ducky was noticeably absent. But still...I felt pin pricks of light. The shadow of joy passing across the cardboard.
This morning I took Henry to his weekly daycamp and Ryan to his daycare provider where his dad would retrieve him at the day's end. He had lots of questions for me as we drove along. Some were heartbreaking and impossible to explain to a 3 year old. Such as, " Where is Ducky's "vroom" chair?" When I stuttered that it was in the garage, he commented that it would be all dirty when he got back. OW. Another one was " Why was my daddy at the church when you kissed Ducky's picture?" I'm not sure what I answered, but I know that his next comment had to do with the smell the truck next to us was emitting. What a lesson...ask the hard questions, and then move on.
I have no idea why Glenn(Ducky) died three weeks ago.  He had no indication that it was going to happen. I still fight with the "What  if I had" questions; just as I felt with Ryan's questions.
OW- that hurts.

But for the first time, I went for 24 hours without crying; actually  it is going on 48 hours, I moved on a little. And although Glenn is on my mind  24/7... evening my dreams....I laughed...I joked ...I had fun. I still feel a little guilty over that. That will take time to feel right.
Little pin pricks of light ..one at a time.