Friday, January 10, 2014

Moving through the darkness.

I'm reminded of a very old song "California Dreamin'" from eons ago in my youth by the Mama's and the Papa's. You know, Cass Elliot? Mama Cass? Died of a drug overdose and probably obesity? If you are too young to know, here's a link.The Mamas & The Papas-California dreamin - Video Dailymotion

The song laments the drudgery and the very bleakness  of winter while dreaming of light, warmth and sunshine.

For those working through the grief journey such as myself, this has a metaphorical message. Walking through the darkness, dreaming of the light and wishing it back through the "if only's" and the "when we's"; and feeling as if the future light is very far away.

There is something about this season of darkness that makes life seem more trying; almost like slugging through thick mud.

For the last two weeks, I've noticed that I'm a bit more fragile, even than I was six weeks ago. I can go from having a really fine day while looking forward, rebuilding myself and my home, to the next moment feeling really lonely and weepy. Prior to this I wasn't having such swings. I was beginning to wonder about my sanity, until my friend Maureen mentioned at yoga last night that she was feeling very "Januareee" I love made-up words:)

I realized  again today that our environment can greatly affect our moods and our outlook and that maybe I'm not really going crazy, I'm just feeling "Januaree" as well. And that's okay. So now if I tear up unexpectedly, or feel a bit hopeless, I can tell myself that I'm not moving backwards on this path, I'm just reacting to my environment in a very natural manner. And that there will be light again; both in my life and in my world. And that Glenn will always be present in that light in my world, even when it is dark all around me.

Holding on, in the darkness, on the journey.