Sunday, December 8, 2013

Checking in

Recently I returned to a therapeutic yoga class that I had been attending in September. Back then I wasn't ready. I was still trying to build a new normal with school starting minus Glenn and Boo's buddy Abi. I realized a few weeks ago that my mind had quieted a bit more, and that the new routine was as settled as it could be, so I decided to go back. And I'm so glad. One thing we do in class is to "check-in" with our body at the beginning of the practice before we start lenghthening and strengthening. We notice how our shoulders and back feel etc., so we can develop a sense of awareness and comparison at the end of the session.

This is what I've been doing mentally this holiday season. Checking in. I'm doing as much as I can for the holiday, when I can, and it seems to be working. But it is those little things that still call me up short.

I sent Christmas cards. Some traditions I feel strongly about continuing, which is probably why I put up a tree. I paused when I designed the signature. One name. It looked so strange.  I decided after some reflection not to include a picture of Glenn, and yet that was hard too. Another little goodbye.

This week my car was in the shop getting body work done. I had to rent a car, because I am alone. Alone.  I am truly not alone, with friends and family, but I live alone. I have no life-mate. That is a strange new situation. It wasn't huge, but it was different.  Glenn would have just handled it for me.

After the blizzard this week, it got bitterly cold. I went to the grocery store and was reminded how if Glenn was still alive, he would drive me around on all my errands. He liked to do that even when the weather was nice. I miss seeing our car parked strategically so he could see me when I came out. It struck me that day that I'd never have that again. Ow.

Last night I was exhausted and ended up falling asleep on the couch. For the first time nobody was here to tell me to wake up and go to bed.  It felt lonely when I stumbled in at 4 am.

It's all the little things.

It has been 25 weeks now, almost half a year. When I check in, I see that I am healing.  Sometimes it still feels hard to believe, but I'm making plans and I am continuing to move forward. I have new routines and when I check in, I realize I'm okay. And as my therapist has taught me to say, "Right now." And I'm learning to celebrate those moments.

Checking in while on the journey.