Wednesday, August 14, 2013

And So It Begins

I went to work today. For the first time. Yesterday I had such anxiety attacks in anticipation of it that I ended up on the couch all day. I knew that today ended the ability to cocoon in my grief. Real life began again, and even though my students don't appear for two more weeks, there is much to do in preparation. 
 I knew when I walked into school and my classroom for the first time since leaving on June 4th, 12 days before Glenn's death, that I would be struck once again with the harsh reality of his absence. And how when I said goodbye to my room 2818 in June, I had no idea of what was in store for me in the next few weeks. 
Even though it was my job and my career, he was my major support system. Glenn always loved to hear about my students, and news from my fellow teachers. Everyday I called him at 12:40, and again on my way home. Little stuff that I will miss. He was always there for me. 
One of my dear friends pointed out to me today how many "firsts" I've already had; our anniversary, my birthday, his birthday, and now school starting. She expressed heartfelt hope that next year at this time life will be easier for me. I think she is right. I keep trying to look forward. Life goes on. That is good, but it is sad and it still hurts. I continue to feel badly for what he is missing, although I believe he knows it all on some level.
Almost everyday I face doing something for the "first" time, big or small. Getting back into a routine again will be good.  My students keep me laughing (or screaming ..but both work!) My colleagues are such a gift. I will be fine and I will grow. And the days will pass, regardless.
My prayer is that this blog records not just my feelings of great loss and desperation , but also my hope for the future. 
Most days his death has shored me up to make sure I live everyday with the realization of how fragile life is. I don't want to miss a moment. 
Beginning again.