Saturday, March 29, 2014

Sad Eyes

Bad day. Actually a rock bottom day. Today I was at the bottom of that abyss I swam over in Mexico, but this time I was without air. It caused me to stay in the fetal position most of the day.

Too much loss and betrayal in 9 months. I screamed, " Uncle!" "Life!You win!"

Watching Glenn die so violently and so unexpectedly last June was such a trauma. The last time I saw him at the ER, no one even bothered to take the trachea tube out of his mouth or clean the cut on his lip. I held his body which was packed in ice. There was little dignity offered to him in death.
I replayed that today over and again. He deserved so much more. 

Watching my mother die last week,was not so surprising, but traumatic nevertheless. Five days, nearly round the clock, and I couldn't help but notice that, when she died, just how ugly death is. It is not pretty.
It is lonely and traumatic, even when peaceful. 

But unlike Glenn, she received every dignity.  She was cleaned, changed and positioned to honor her self as a human. She would have liked that.. 

Early this afternoon in a casual text exchange with Sandy, I mentioned that I was rolled  in a ball, just hoping to die. Her response? , " Nope. Not gonna happen with my new dive buddy." Be over soon." 
And there she was. And I unrolled a bit. She left, I remained in the curl, but a little hopelessness left me.
Chris and her wife Karole instructed me to " come over  in PJ's and with Boo" I did. Surrounded by love and empowerment.
My friendships are biblical. 
My son Chris called my friend Chris this evening,  concerned over my well being, knowing I was with them.
I think she said that I wasokay, but that I had sad eyes.
I do. 
Sad eyes.
On the journey.