Saturday, March 22, 2014

There will be peace

What a difference a day makes.

Last night I wrote about anger and frustration that my mother was losing dignity on her journey out of this world. It was writing born of grief, exhaustion and ultimately, love for my mom. I concentrate on being authentic in all parts of my life, but especially here, a written record of this magical year.
My friend pointed out that we get so caught up in watching the clock, instead of relaxing and realizing that the forces of nature will  prevail when the time is right. She will cross over when it is meant to be over.  "Enough is a feast", in the words of the late  Rev. Deb Celley.
My sense of spirituality does not believe that we are puppets on God's strings. God  will welcome us with wide open arms when we cross over, but until then, our imperfect bodies will determine when and how. It is part of my belief in the ultimate gift of free will.
And so today was a blessed day. Blessed. Peace filled.I will never forget my brother suggesting that we hold her and pray the Lords Prayer. We aren't that kind of family. We have private faith traditions. It was so powerful. And how he waited until the absolute last minute to go before he had to say his final goodbye to our mom. It was crushingly tender to witness. The three days that we spent together were a precious time , where we were just those two kids eating Butterfinger candy bars again, and laughing at ridiculous things. It was sacred time that will never be repeated. 
Tonight I came home at a reasonable hour. Before I left I sang my mom out the door if she chooses to go while I'm away. Being a church organist's daughter I know all her old time favorites I grew up hearing. I truly believe she heard me. I do. It was sacred.
So, tonight, rather than feeling angry about my mom's struggle, I am treasuring it. I've had lots of time to work through her loss while she lies unresponsive. Hers will be a beautiful death, if there is such a thing.
Some of her last words to me were that I shouldn't grieve for her; I said "As if". Hah! But I understand what she means. Her death will be correct and in order and grace filled.
On the journey.