Saturday, February 8, 2014

One

Last summer I received the gift of a book by Joan Didion called, A Year of Magical Thinking, from a close friend. I have referenced it often in these writings. The author's husband died from almost identical circumstances to Glenn, except that her husband's last words were a comment about his 20 year old scotch; whereas Glenn's were something along the lines of , " Yeah you're probably right -it was the meat." Yeah...the meat. Right.

I finally believe I couldn't have saved him. Finally.

When I got that book, I couldn't understand the title...how there could be anything, even remotely magical about what I was going through, I couldn't grasp.

Almost immediately however , I started viewing everything in my life from a heightened awareness. Relationships were more precious, breathing became something I had to relearn, and when I did, I felt life flow through my blood again.  

I started exploring higher realms of spirituality that are less than conventional; and being open to it all as part of the big mystery.  Magical. 

I know that Glenn has visited me often. My proof is not something I want to put out there, because it is MY truth and that's enough. I don't wish to have logic applied to it.  And I know as I heal, he visits me less and less often. As it should be. We each have a  new journey. Magical.

It is through this magical thinking , that I would like to offer a collective apology,  as it were, to all the people in grocery stores, shopping alone that I have looked at and through all these years. In my heightened awareness  today I reflected  on how going shopping for food is one of the loneliest experiences I have in my life now. All around me are families with children, or couples, asking "Honey? Do we need eggs?" Nobody but me knows that answer in my home anymore. I buy one sweet potato, the smallest container of cream for my coffee, even though I still have some, and a deli- chicken, because cooking just isn't in me tonight.  I hate it. And yet, I must eat.

Now before all of you blessed people who love me send me emails wondering if I'm okay, please know that I am fine. More than fine. There is a flip side to "one". For the first time-ever- I am responsible only for myself. I do what I want, with whom I want, when I want. I can finally say, guilt-free, that  I am truly my own woman and I know that Glenn wouldn't have wanted any less for me, since he truly helped me,finally, love myself.

Even when I choke up at the grocery store..it's magical thinking.
On the journey.