Friday, November 22, 2013

It Is the Small Stuff

I used to be an advocate of the saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff."  Now I realize that life IS the small stuff.

It has been officially five months since Glenn died.

In these months, the ENORMITY of his death has mostly left me. The night he died in front of my eyes is reaching a place of peace. There are times when it still overwhelms me, but mostly  I  have reached a place where I realize that I could not have saved him, and I am willing to release that. Pretty much. Not all there..

What still gets me is the small stuff. In planning for my brother and sister-in-law's visit this weekend, I realized that I didn't need to buy 7-up because Glenn wasn't here. It stupidly made me tear up.

Some morning tv show this week had a segment on Thanksgiving. G had his favorite-whole cranberries- no need to buy them...watching the segment made me tear up.

Recently I found a card that Ariel made  into a wonderful wall hanging for me.  G gave it to me while I was on a retreat when we were first married. At the time "If ever we are apart" was a romantic fantasy. Now that is reality....oh my.

I opened his bedside table drawer by accident the other day. I haven't felt strong enough to go there.  All the remnants of his last day were there: his  wallet, his watch, his pix(pocket communion set); all signs of a life interrupted .  He always complained about not having enough cash in his pocket. The poor guy died with $4 in his wallet. A small thing I regret.

Small stuff. How many times did I say, "No we can't afford that?" How many times did we not do something because of money or fear of it being  not accessible?

I was the health cop...I made sure alarms were set for every medication he was to take. I monitored all our movements as to whether it would be ok for him and his mobility. G had one of the first Cpap machines out there. Fat lotta good it did him.  Still a little resentful.

It really is about the small stuff.  Go for life to the fullest on this journey.