Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Chutes and Ladders

My favorite childhood game was Chutes and Ladders. My kids and now my grandsons play it. The purpose of the game is to make your way to the end, avoiding the "chutes" along the board. If you land  on a "ladder"you get to move many steps forward. If you are unlucky enough to land on a "chute", you slide backwards to where you were several rolls before. Then once again you try to move forward and hope that landing on a ladder will jump you forward past your original spot.

This is what my journey through grief is like. The die rolls, I move forward one move at a time. Sometimes I land on a ladder and "Whoosh" ....I'm  way out front. Then, as has happened the last few days, I land on a chute and "Zoom"...I'm back to the beginning again.

Yesterday I opened a drawer ,without thinking ,that contained Glenn's wallet and other things that he stuck in his pocket daily. That led me to notice all the signs around the house that indicate that he lived here with me and not that long ago. Our wedding rings that now sit side by side in my jewelry box, were on our hands 23 weeks ago. His writings on the calendar, his boots in the closet, the cords for his now silent devices, the love note he left me on our chalk board. "Zoom" ....down the chute I went. Once again I realized how gone he really is. And he really won't be back. Somehow different levels of my subconscious keep relearning that, even after I think I believe it.

Thankfully I had an appointment with my awesome therapist today; truly she is a gift to me. What a safe place to grieve. She helped me see that this is how I feel,right now. And that it is okay. Maybe it will get better.  And that while I probably will never get over it, I'll get used to it. I liked that. No matter what the future holds, Glenn will always be in my heart. And that maybe I'm doing better than I think. 

Tonight I am  doing much better. Lots of online laughs with my amazing friends, Boo and Attie are rolling and chasing around the house,  and I'm looking forward to see my kids and grandsons this weekend. 

Tonight I landed on a ladder during the journey.