Sunday, June 30, 2013

Raw and Unprocessed

Yesterday, when my brother and I were packing up my mom's apartment, I came across a box of sugar. Not your ordinary five pound bag, but a box. The brand label said "RAW Sugar-Unprocessed."
The word "RAW"was the prevalent word on the packaging. 

And that is how I have felt today. RAW. 

I finally ran out of things  to nervously put away for my mother at her new residence. It has been a safety net of sorts; as long as I didn't sit down, I didn't have to face her in my grief. That time ran out today, and I held her in my arms as she cried and lovingly stroked my arms with her aged and infirmmed hands. 

I was invited to go to a movie with a dear couple who have been our friends forever. It was a wonderful, funny movie, ("The Heat"), and a great escape. And yet as I laughed out loud, I was heaving great sobs inside. Such a paradox I didn't know existed. 

I've never been an anxious person-I would consider myself fairly laid back. Suddenly I find myself worrying about what the next unexpected event will be. My children, grandchildren, siblings, friends? My fear is understandable and palpable, yet I know irrational.

Our dogs are doing better and yet, Abi still jumps up at most noises, (looking for Glenn?) and both of them have been sick several times, which is very atypical. I think they are feeling whatever grief canines feel.

I realized tonight that I will be okay. I will keep doing what I'm doing until I am able to laugh at a movie again, just for the humor. I will be able to enjoy a summer day, and growing things and friends and laughter and fun. And maybe , just maybe, someday I won't jump right back to the pain, even though Glenn will always be near 
Maybe someday it won't feel so RAW.