Thursday, June 12, 2014

Au Revoir

Well here it is. It has now been a few days short of a year since that fated night that unexpectedly changed my life forever. Last September, when I came up for air enough to go back to school and function, I made the decision that I did not want to be in this zip code when the anniversary of his death came around. Not having superb powers of concentration yet, I was reading light fiction by Maeve Binchy. Her books are all set in Ireland, and that seemed as good as any place to visit. I called my friend Sally and within a week we had booked a 10 day tour. It seemed light years away then, and yet here it is. We leave this evening for ten days.

I started this blog last year after being told several times what a terrible year it would be. I decided at that time that if that was true, then I really needed to write it down. I began writing it for myself, as a record of thoughts, feelings and changes during the year. I am amazed at the breadth of people it has reached; it is very humbling. And yet, the time has come for this blog to end. Every ending in life, be it death, divorce, job loss or whatever, needs a sense of closure. A place of peace to move forward.

Closure doesn't mean forgetting, or not reflecting on the past ever again. For me it means that I've worked really hard, really hard, this year to figure out where I go from here. Because after June 16, all the " firsts" are done. And he's still gone. And I'm still here. And if I learned anything this year it is that life is fragile and precious.

 I'm not the same person I was last June. Oh I am essentially the same, but when I look at the last year, and all I did to create a new path for myself, I am amazed. There were terrible parts where the waves of grief would literally knock me off my feet. But someone was always there to pick me up and hold me. How do you ever thank people and family enough for that? And then there were the " I Am Woman" moments, where I accomplished something like buying a new car alone, scuba diving, or household maintenance that had never been on my list of responsibility, where I actually stood a little taller. I got a little stronger so that the next wave didn't knock me down quite as hard. I learned this year to be okay by myself and to be good to myself. I created my own living space, and learned how to ask for help when I simply couldn't do something.  And I realized that my friend Sherri was right when she said it wouldn't be terrible, it would just be different. There were terrible parts to be sure, but there were magical parts as well as I forged my new path in this life.

I talked to him recently. It's true , I do that now and then, and I told him that I'm in the beginning of a new relationship that brings me laughter and joy again. I could honestly hear his loud laugh, and the words "Yes. Live." And his big hands gesturing, " Go...go."  with that huge s##t eating grin he had.

And so the year is done. Nothing changes dramatically because the year is over, but for me it marks a new beginning which will probably mean a new blog. This has been a hugely cathartic piece of my healing.

So I say to all of you reading this, and as I've said to Glenn many times in death-

au revoir.

Until we meet again.
On the journey.